Not Drifting but Fading
by Schermionie
Summary: Of regrets, journeys and forgiveness. A game a thousand years too late. Twoshot, Sai-centric.
1. Not Drifting but Fading

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obatta.

A/N: _Tabi _are the traditional socks worn with a kimono. As far as I could work out, Sai wears them.

* * *

_"Nobody heard him. the dead man._

_But still he lay moaning:_

_I was much further out than you thought_

_And not waving but drowning." - 'Not Waving but Drowning' _by Stevie Smith.

* * *

Fading was unlike drifting.

It was the whisper of ancient fabric that ghosted across his ancient, faded flesh.

It was when Torajiro's health waned and Sai deteriorated with him.

It was those times that Hikaru forgot his umbrella and, as they ran through the rain, he fancied he could feel the soft caress of the raindrops on his face, only to realise it was his tears. Faded hope.

Sai thought he knew it quite well.

Drifting… this he knew intimately.

It was the vague way he had stumbled through his homeland after the Emperor had severed his only link to Go.

It was when he slept inside a Go board and dreamed of the things he'd left behind.

It was those times that neither Torajiro nor Hikaru could shake him out of the past he was lost in; when his mind brought him back to the things he believed he had forgotten. Drifting thought.

So Sai was surprised that when Hikaru's eyes fluttered almost to a close, the feeling of separation from his host was not what it had been with Torajiro's death.

Sai was not drifting but fading.

Hikaru could not hear his goodbyes and this – this he regretted. Sai knew the boy he had existed for would become stronger and stronger without his help but this – this he still regretted. For he would not be there to witness it.

Sai looked at Hikaru until the boy had faded away completely – though in truth it was he who had faded – before closing his eyes, accepting that he could not change things.

When he opened them, it took him a little while to recognise his surroundings.

There had been no shift, nor sense of movement.

It was a beach that Hikaru had taken him to once. An empty and still land, a wilderness dissimilar to what he had come to associate with modern-day Japan. It held the same tranquillity that he had lost after he drowned.

He never dared to hope that he could find it again.

The tide came in. The tide went out.

The sun retreated below the distant horizon.

A slight breeze blew Sai's long hair across his face.

Water weighed down his _tabi_, but his heart lightened.

He turned away from the sky and looked back down to the earth. Taking a tentative step, he felt his feet sink into the wet sand, relishing the forgotten pleasure of contact. He took another step, and another, and soon there was a trail of footprints along the shore.

Sai smiled. His journey down the path to the Hand of God may have been over, but that didn't mean there weren't more paths to travel.

* * *


	2. Tranquility and Peace

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obatta.

A/N: Thanks to iz.darling, MysticLight Lite and KatinkaV for favouriting, alerting and C2ing respectively.

Heian kyō is the Heian Capital city (now Kyoto).

Seiza is a traditional Japanese sitting position.

The Fujiwara clan were basically the most powerful clan in the Heian era, which is why I said that Sai grows up in the court. The Tachibana clan were also a powerful clan of this time, but less so, which often led to frequent disputes between those two families, sometimes of a military nature and sometimes otherwise. If anyone knows differently, then blame Wikipedia and my poor research skills. As for Tachibana's first name, I know that word was used for some kind of name at the time, but honestly, Heian era names are especially complicated, so essentially I just went for what I wanted.

And on how the two address each other, I had no idea what to do. I felt that an honourific was necessary but it was difficult to decide which one without knowing their positions in court intimately and such. Since they were both teachers, I settled for sensei, and I hope it doesn't sound too bad.

The reason this chapter is longer and far more plotty is that the first one was a mere introduction for this one. The title doesn't really match now, but I couldn't think of one that I'd like which would apply to both chapters, so the current one stays. I'd really like some reviews for this chapter, though, because I want to know if I carried out this idea well or not and if the poem worked. I've wanted to do a scene like this between these two for a very long time, and I'm happy that I went ahead with that, but not so happy with how I did.

Feedback keeps me from starving, you know. -Pleading eyes- Hope you enjoy.

* * *

_As you set out for Ithaka_

_hope your road is a long one,_

_full of adventure, full of discovery..._

* * *

_Keep Ithaka always in your mind._

_Arriving there is what you're destined for._

_But don't hurry the journey at all._

_Better if it lasts for years,_

_so you're old by the time you reach the island,_

_wealthy with all you've gained on the way,_

_not expecting Ithaka to make you rich._

* * *

_Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey._

_Without her you wouldn't have set out._

_She has nothing left to give you now._ - From "Ithaka" by C.P.Cavafy.

* * *

Leaves flutter to the ground, ending their lives in preparation for a winter that will never come. Fish whirl through the water, dancing a dance perfected over a thousand years ago. The air is still.

Here is a place truly untouched by time, preserved in a single moment.

Sai feels no surprise upon finding himself back at the palace in Heian kyō. It is, after all, where he spent many years of his life, as a young child observing the machinations of the court, and as a young man, slowly maturing and beginning to understand his place in life. He would have liked to have had children of his own, to have lived on in the capital of tranquillity and peace. Instead, he had Go.

A moment ago, or what could have been several moments, he slipped past one of the first games he and Torajiro had played together. Now he is here.

Stepping lightly through the rooms of the palace, his mind absorbs the intricate décor he has forgotten after so many years in exile. His feet take him to a room he could never forget.

Sai feels no surprise when he enters the Go room and sees that this palace is not empty.

He sits in _seiza _by the Goban and bows his head respectfully. "It has been a long time, Tachibana-sensei."

Tachibana no Hikaru contemplates the game on the Goban and says nothing.

"Have you been waiting long?" Sai inquires lightly, lifting his head only enough to see the board. He does not want to look at the other man's face. Not until his presence is acknowledged.

"Fujiwara no Sai," Tachibana murmurs, and Sai looks up, into the eyes of the man who sentenced him to death. "I should have known this room would not remain empty."

"Go is a game for two players, after all." Sai gently starts to clear away the white stones on the board into their container, preparing for a _new _game, perhaps even the game that should have been played a thousand years before. As soon as this thought occurs to him, Sai knows why he is here.

"In our last game, I made the choice to cheat. It is a choice I now regret. Given the chance to play that game again, I would play fairly," Tachibana says quietly, removing the black stones just as he has done a thousand times before. "I do not expect to be forgiven... I do not deserve to be forgiven..."

Sai smiles sorrowfully behind his fan. Wordlessly, they nigiri; Sai plays white, as in their last game. As Tachibana considers his move, his opponent begins to speak. "After I left this earth, my soul did not go to Nirvana, nor was I reincarnated. Instead, I was sent into a Goban and trapped inside for the better part of a thousand years." Here, he pauses to make his first hand.

And Sai feels surprise this time when he places a stone, not because it is a bad move, nor one he has never made before, but because he has not made a move like this since his lifetime. It seems the Go he learned during his time with Torajiro and Hikaru does not matter now: Sai's Go truly is Sai's Go in the place where he first felt the joy of a universe made of intersecting lines, with black and white stones as its stars.

Devoid of spectators and the ticking of a clock to accompany the game, the palace seems eerily quiet. Rather than breaking this silence, however, Sai's soft voice as he continues his tale only seems to complement it. "I met many interesting people during the times that I was allowed outside of the Goban. One of them shared a name with you: Shindō Hikaru. He was young, with the whole world ahead of him. And he thought... that Go was not a game for the young." He hesitates to repeat these words. Although Hikaru had long overcome this assumption, it was a reminder just how much Sai had taken over the boy's life. Unlike Torajiro, Hikaru had not wanted to play Go.

Tachibana's reply is merely to place another black stone. They both understand that Sai's tale has to take its course; in the meantime, there is a game to play.

Several hands later, Sai sits back and surveys the board. The game has progressed much the same as it did when they last played. Slowly. Solidly. Evenly.

Just as Tachibana reaches for a stone from his goke, Sai notices that there is a white stone mixed in with the black stones that should be there. But this time, he does not move to say anything. He simply watches and waits for the game to go where it will.

"Soon, Hikaru met a Go player his own age - Toya Akira. And they became rivals. From then on, he chased Toya determinedly and the number of games I was allowed to play dwindled, until my own contribution in Hikaru's development was very little. I left then, because we both know that a good teacher works with his students until he is no longer needed, and a bad teacher lingers on past that time.

"I tell you this in answer to your words. There were times - many times - when Hikaru would say something insensitive to me, or I would do the same to him, but apologies were not needed. We both knew between us that what was said was never meant, or that if it was, ultimately we could forgive each other. That is why I know that your apology is not sincere, that given another chance you would do the same. There is no need to lie to me, Tachibana-sensei."

Tachibana looks up sharply, his hand holding a stone in mid-air, ready to be used. He opens his mouth as if to speak, but Sai shushes him kindly. "If that is not the truth, then why are you holding that white stone?"

A guilty look encompasses Tachibana's face as he glances down to the stone in his hand and his arm slumps by his side, defeated.

"Perhaps you regret spoiling that match from the perspective of a Go player, and perhaps knowing that the act of cheating eventually led to my death makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, but the decision to rid me from the court was a political one, made to further the standing of your clan in court over mine. It benefited you in many ways, and you enjoyed those benefits during your lifetime."

"So I am not forgiven," Tachibana states resignedly. The dead regret much that is beyond their control.

"Forgiven?" Sai muses thoughtfully. "Possibly. Once, I would have been angry. I would have held a grudge against you. I was young, then, but now - now I am old, and can see that anger will not achieve anything. The past cannot be changed. I am merely sad that our game was spoiled, that my life had to end so soon."

It is an acceptance between adults; not quite forgiveness, but enough. Both ancient Go players feel as if some great weight has been lifted, that the unpleasant past between them has now been settled. Sai closes his eyes, suddenly weary.

Outside, spring begins.

"Thank you," Tachibana says, and they clear away the stones on the board together.

_And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you._

_Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,_

_you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean._

Fujiwara no Sai is at peace.

* * *


End file.
